Monday, December 31, 2007

Final Countdown

I have been up since 5:30 this morning -- in fact-- this has been my regular wake up time for the past several weeks (on average). I feel much more awake the rest of the day when I do.

Those of you that have been reading (and I know there are some of you *wink) the blog for a bit, know that I have had some career issues. In that I have been trying to decide what to do with myself. And I made a pact with the divine about certain prospects and what agreements and commitments I was willing to make and what has come about due to our discussions is that:

I will not be returning to finish my MA in Literature. I know this is a bit of a turn about from my November blog ... but as of now I am letting go. I am refocusing my desires and heading down a new path. One I have actually been suppressing due to fear of all number of things. I have been so depressed for years and didn't know it. I had pushed all of my fears and stress deep into my musculature and wondered why life felt stiff and immobile and stagnant.

Including life decisions and career decisions.

I have been miserable for the last year and a half because I find this academia to be so disconnected. At least for me. I really don't care a giant hoot's worth whether Freud's Oedipal complex is running rampant through Victorian Literature or classical Greek tragedy. Although it is interesting to read about the historicity of the novel and the extensive biography of the author -- I find, all in all -- being able to deconstruct a text does not increase my enjoyment of it as a story... pretty much, never. I need something that speaks to me on a soul level... and books always will -- but I don't want to pull things apart anymore -- I want to put the pieces back together. I want to stop being scared and being timid and actually build a life that will make me happy, rather than just practical. What has been amazing is that as soon as I actually felt myself release my sense of obligation to finish in order to receive a piece of paper testifying that I had read enough and written enough to be qualified to talk about reading and writing (har) -- I began to feel light and giddy and I even giggled. I felt happy. Genuine happy. I have so many more options now. I feel free... I had forgotten what that felt like...

And this is one of the reasons why
I deleted my post from yesterday about Bhutto, well, I did it for a number of reasons. But they are all in alignment to the same end goal, I feel.

1) I do not feel it is my best light to focus on fearful things.

2) this does not mean that I do not feel it is a tragedy and not horrible and terribly indicative of the consciousness on the planet but -- I want this blog to be about good things. About creative things.

3) I want this blog to be about uplifting and inspiring and sharing and not about setting out to dispel ignorance in a way that is confrontational. It never works anyways. The only thing that ever works is to challenge people to actually feel. To sit with them in such a way that they are open to exploring what drives them. Fear is always the case. In some way or another, always... all ways.

4) I want to start the New Year out in such a way that it speaks only to the person I want to be.

Thus I am seeking to begin with light and love and a sense of freedom from who I thought I was supposed to be and allowing myself instead to become who I actually am. I feel like I have been so stuck in my head, my masculine side, my intellectual obsessions that I have become completely disconnected from my body and my somatic intelligence. So this year will be the year of Becoming Lindsay and one spent actually living in the body, versus trying to escape it.

* I want a steady daily yoga practice (I was gifted a 30-Day pass so I will begin in the New Year)
* I want a deep & beautiful daily meditation practice
* I want open lungs, heart, mind & hips
* I want to be more in tune with nature
* I want to grow my own garden (when the weather is warmer, of course)
* I want to live in a manner that rebuilds the temple.
* I want to explore a more conscious and living food lifestyle
* I want to meet David Wolfe & Gabriel Cousens
* I want to spend time at Tree of Life Rejuvenation Center (In February!!)
* I want to travel and see and experience amazing things
* I want the best life ever
* I want to read books & write books & make books & draw books (& finish books)!
* I want to be an artist again
* I want to meet Neil Gaiman

(getting married, of course, is already on the books!) So that's my "beginning."
My Goals for the year of 2008 and L'année de Moi.

And as I sit here, drinking my morning juice of celery-apple-cucumber-lemon-kale -- I think this will be a most amazing year indeed. The Best Year Ever! I am so excited to begin.

1 comment:

Neeta Bali said...

Beautiful honest shining post - wish you all the best and may this best ever new year bring you your new world in amazing unexpected fulfilling ways......
Have fun, Becoming Lindsay, and Have loads of Joy,