Readjusting

So, yesterday, after reading my blog, my dear M informs me that it was a bit of rambling, wasn't it? And re-reading it, yes, completely unfocused and garbled and morose, really. But I'm glad I got it all out. Now I can sit down and readjust.

I spent yesterday afternoon reading and cleaning out my computer ... going through old documents, .jpegs, etc and wondering: do I really need this anymore? I come from a long line of pack-rats, and although I can be grateful that I don't have a garage with 40+ or even 10+ years of backlog; my computer does take on a lot of damage in terms of using it hide and tunnel old thought patterns. But sometimes I find good things too. Like Goal setting documents that I wrote one day and disappeared into my hard-drive, folder within folder. Like one of those russian dolls that has a smaller doll on the inside.

I also found old journal entries, spiritual experiences, dreams. I have always had journals, but I have never been any good at keeping them. This blog had tried to come into existence for 3 years before I finally started to actually post with any regularity or any vim.

Today I found a quote I had written in my journal in 2006, by Emerson, and he wrote:

The Gods we worship write their names on our faces, be sure of that. And a man will worship something, have no doubt about that either. He may think that his tribute is paid in secret, in the dark recesses of his heart -- but it will out. That which dominates will determine his life and character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshiping; we are becoming.

And this really made me think, as it must have back then, otherwise, why would I have written it down? I find myself asking: What do I worship? On what alter to I regularly offer thoughts and prayers? Do I prostrate, do I bleed or sacrifice? And I have a confession. I am a terribly egoistic little girl. I try to control things that are beyond controlling, I never ask for help, I don't breathe as deeply as I could and I am scared most of the time. That is all true. I use food and knowledge to distract myself from feeling and progressing. From moving forward. I am afraid. They make for wonderful excuses and mind-numbing apathetic body-gloom. But then again. I know all is well. My soul doth magnify the lord. Om, shanti, shanti, shanti. And because I am choosing it to be so, it will get better.

I have meditated since I was five. It was part of my daily routine and part of our community (TM, fairfield, etc.) and although I left TM behind almost eight years ago... I have always been an advocate of what finding time with one's self can manifest. I am ashamed to say, over the last 3 years, I have even let that slip and do it haphazardly, and boy -- I'll tell ya: I can tell the difference.

I tend to make grandiose promises. I'm really good at planning, tend to be poor at execution. I tend to talk and talk and talk until the desire snuffs out and then I don't have to do anything. Ay, there's the rub.

There are so many things I want to do, but one step at a time. Time to readjust. I am beginning to get so excited about doing the Juice Feast. I can't wait to start. But I am, because I need to prepare. I am trying to read as much as possible. Blogs, juicing, knowledge... I wish I could absorb it all -- just let my body lie along the pages and pore, by pore absorb it like a sponge... words and grace drinking in. *Sigh.

In A Course in Miracles it reads that "health is the result of relinquishing all attempts at using the body lovelessly."

And I am guilty of using my body lovelessly. What wonder could be seen, what gifts unfurled if I could just live and let go...

There's a Native American parable, but I forget which tribe it is actually attributed to, where the Creator (Grandfather in some circles: daddy-mommy-god in others) amasses the clans of his animals and offers the following:

"I want to hide something from my human children until they are ready for it. . . . It is the realization that they create their own reality."

"Give it to me. I'll fly it to the moon," says the Eagle.

"No," says he Creator. "One day soon they will go there and find it."

"How about the bottom of the ocean?" asks the Salmon.

"No," says the Creator. "They will find it there, too."

"I will bury it in the great plains," says the Buffalo.

"They will soon dig and find it there," says the Creator.

"Then put it inside of them," says wise Grandmother Mole.

"Done," says the Creator. "It is the last place they will look."

And so this comes to me while I am reading Rumi and nearly cry when I come upon shining nuggets, like the chants to the steps of the Sufi dance of Universal Peace:

"Come, come whoever you are. This caravan knows no despair.
Even though you have broken your vows, perhaps ten thousand times,
Come, come again."

So, all right. I will come again. Maharishi used to say: desire and let go, the universe will take care of the rest. Ok, that too. I am wake and I will look inside with more love and more patience, and promise that I will walk this path and again, have more patience. And Trust, which is the hardest of all: I will Trust the process. The light can take it from there.

Ashes Before the Rise of the Juice Feast

Today is Ash Wednesday and begins the Lenten Season which ends on Easter Sunday. Not that I am a particularly religious person, but I have always thought such seasons, be it Lent or Ramadan (among others) were always helpful and beautiful and healing. And for the past few years I have really been intrigued by taking it on as a practice. And so for Lent, I am making a list of some things I will be abstaining from during the next 40 days, and one of the things that I am giving up is sugar. I never eat processed sweets or white sugar: I use agave, honey and maple syrup. But I am going to be nixing those too. M always says that I should give up reading for Lent, because I love books more than I love anything else... but I just can't get myself to even consider that. wink. I don't think I'd make a very good Catholic.

I am furthermore, so very excited about the Global Juice Feast 2008, beginning in March, (come and join us!) it is the perfect time of the year to do so. And in that light, I was thinking maybe we could start a post entitled Global Juice Feast 101 ... and anyone who writes in to me, and gives me their favorite juicing concoction, I will post it in the "101" all throughout the juice feasting. That way, as a group we'll never grow bored and always have an array of new ideas and flavors. Let me know what you think about this...

Saying Goodbye to One of the Men in My Life

Yesterday morning, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi passed on from this world.

Many may or may not know him, the Beatles knew him and so did upwards of 7,000 meditating yogis in the Midwest and California, additionally around the globe. He introduced TM to the West and helped to make Ayurveda, Meditation and Yoga the household concepts they are becoming, in many parts of the country.

I grew up in his "utopia" of Fairfield, Iowa. And he was the Guru of mine and my family's life for the first 14 or 15 years I was on this planet. And that, I am sure is conservative when compared to others in the community...

Which, I can only imagine is in mourning right now... Roundings, puja and prayer...

Om Namah Shivaya,
Om Guru, Om Guru
Deva Deva
Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti
Peace Peace Peace
rest in holy peace. Jai Guru Dev.

Turning the Light on With John

It seems to me that the only true Christians were (are?) the Gnostics, who believe in self-knowledge, i.e., becoming Christ themselves, reaching the Christ within. The Light is the Truth. All any of us are trying to do is precisely that: Turn on the Light.

– John Lennon

"The Gnostic Road"

Everything below is taken completely and with gratitude from Jordan Stratford's blog Ecclesia Gnostica in Nova Albion from the Section Gnosticism 102. I am deeply grateful for this site, since it seems to resonate with my own understandings of things, in that, I am always trying to see how the pieces of religion fit together. Gnosticism seems to resonate with ideas in the Vedanta tradition, Buddhism, Qabalah, Greek Philosophy and Egyptian Hermetic understandings. In other Words, it has it all. And...I thought the following would be of benefit to share.

"What follows is sometimes called "The Gnostic Road", and relates to the personal process of becoming a Gnostic.

1) Aporia ("roadlessness"). A feeling of disorientation or exclusion from the accepted conventions of the world, and a sense that "this is not the deal". The certainty that something is wrong with the universe, and creeping paranoia that a) this is not the real world and b) that the forces in charge of this world are hiding something secret, something powerful.

2) Epiphany ("shining above"). The big light bulb over the head, the primal "Aha!" that reveals the glowing spark of divinity in all things. A perception of real and immediate and undeniable TRUTH in art and life and joy and beauty and the sacred real.

3)Agon ("struggle"). This is where things get ugly. The problem is, the Opposition is real, organized, and thoroughly pissed off at your recent epiphany. You're suddenly a lightning rod for "bad luck" in the form of THE SYSTEM - parking tickets, tax audits, bank charges, mechanical failures, illness, miscommunication. People are "worried about you". This is where most people either give up and deny their epiphany, or go crazy and talk to themselves on the bus. The real struggle is in finding equilibrium - knowing what you know, and continuing to live in the world. Rendering unto Caesar. Sitting down with the Archons and negotiating some kind of truce.

4) Gnosis ("knowledge"). Equivalent to the satori of Zen or the nirvana of Hinduism, this is personally-negotiated spiritual enlightenment. A first-hand experience of divinity as real and present. Tag, you're it.

5) Charis ("grace"). This is Sainthood, the ability to radiate your own gnosis to others, and overcome the limitations imposed on you by the Archons."

This is a symbol of the Pistis Sophia... I want this on my car!!

So, Neo... Choose.

The Matrix

Woes & Throes

Sorry I have been relatively mute for the past week or so. Class, grad school, & life - in whatever configuration you may want to order them... they have been affecting me. But, so is my ever ongoing issues surrounding my path, spiritual, occupational and otherwise. * Side note (way off topic): for those of you who were following me through my juice feast, yeah... the juicer I ordered back then, arrived. Today. Anyway. I have always been caught between art and writing. I am an academic, but I always wanted to be an artist. I was on the track too. I had private art lessons since I was seven up until the age of, (we'll be generous and say) 16, where at that point I was living in JH and the only art classes available were of the public school sphere. So, I did that. It wasn't until my freshman year at UA-Tucson that I realized, of all my classes I was taking, my studio classes bit the worst. And I fully blame this on their curriculum req’s i.e. "everyone starts at the bottom" even if one had a color theory portfolio going back to when they were nine... all the same: the experience kind of killed it for me. So -- I threw myself into the topics that were interesting to me: all those things that would eventually garner me a BA in humanities once I transferred to CU. That is, art history, literature, philosophy, religion, anthropology. I am currently pursuing my MA in Literature in Colorado as well. But here's the sad thing. I have let myself be corrupted by Literature with a capital L. I used to be mythology nerd, sci-fi, fantasy and faerie tales: stories of the mythic mind, magical realism, folklore and the hidden allegories they are the vessels for. My Masters, until now, had ruined my love of reading... but I am considering that maybe I am not reading the right things. I am insanely interested, fascinated, hooked on the comparative study of religion and their mythic counterparts: as they are all the same story, essentially. All religions conspire to allow humankind to arrive at the same place, almost always via the same ends, bearing the same path-markers. It does not matter if you are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Sufi, Hindu, Jainist, Pagan, Egyptologist, Buddhist: everything leads to absolutely the same outcome. But our understanding of this as a culture is supremely thwarted and compressed/oppressed. We have lost our ability to relate to God on mystical levels, and have limited ourselves to the literal ones... how unfortunate...

Anyhow --- I can’t decide now: Do I go back to art? Becoming classically trained? Raise my kids in an atmosphere where I give art classes to local families, and write stories until I fall asleep by candle light like Jo March in Little Women? Do I pursue a PhD in Theology & Culture? And MFA? What am I supposed to do with all of my interests without relegating myself to being in school forever?