Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The Life School
So. yesterday was my first official day of non-school. In that, yesterday spring semester classes began, and I was not a part of them. Instead I went to yoga during my lunch hour, and had a still-life drawing class in the evening. And I don't feel guilty or regretful or sad at all.
It was a bit difficult to let it all go though. At first, what was so interesting was watching every little negative thought come up -- "What will people think??" That I wasn't smart enough? That I couldn't hack it? I mean every manipulative ego trip that could be dragged out, every self-esteem lowering, cowardly, fearful judgment rose up for me to contend with. My usual action is to try and "think" my way out of it. Give my mind a "reason" that I was doing what I was doing, logically. I was justifying my decisions to myself!! Who do I think I am?? This time, due to some helpful advice from Dad, I just sat with all those uncomfortable feelings, I didn't try to sate them, or reason them away -- It was all very zen -- I allowed them to be, I noticed them, but did not provide them any other place to go and did not offer any other way for them to garner more power or feed them with more fear -- I just let them spin themselves out quietly.
What has happened because of this is a sudden shift in perspective. Once all the fear went away, it was only peace and blue skies. My Dad has been telling me this for years, about the Flip. Let me explain: because nothing in the world is actually linear, not time, not space, etc. It is always (100% of the time) connected with its opposite. Love, Hate, Fear, are the main ones that every other emotion stems from. When one does not try to run the other emotion off, but sits with it all the way through, without judgment of trying to reason with it... but just being aware of it and its Illusive nature -- eventually you will hit that part of the connectivity, where the emotion Flips, or at least your perspective of the experience does. And that's what happened: I rode that wave of fear all the way to the beaches of tranquility.
There is so much more I need to be doing right now. The world is going through massive upheaval and it is only going to intensify. I need to (like all other human beings incarnate right now) is rebuild and consecrate my relationship with my own divinities and also, the planet.
When I dropped all pretenses about what I would fill my time with now that I was leaving school, my little mind did a bit of a fear-flight and was racing to find things "to do" but what I am coming to understand, and would be helpful for everyone to consider sincerely, is that you don't have to "do" anything -- you just have "to be" and do so with intention and grace and presence. And everything else just works itself out from there... because we are all children of the same Father-Mother-Creator (wherever your theology guides you). Fear is at the root of separation. Every action comes back to Love, Hate, Fear.
And Love really is all there is, every other emotion is in response to lack, or judgment about, but it all comes back. For instance, hate and anger are often useful together. But hate is usually much more localized then we tend to use it. We don't usually hate someone, but we hate (or have intense anger about) something they did or said.
So let's say, a little boy runs into the street, into traffic -- he doesn't get hurt, but when the Mother drags him back out of danger she is very very angry (she hates what he just did) and she yells: "Don't you ever do that again! Ever!"
Why is she angry at her son? She is angry because she was scared. Anger often comes out of fear... and why was she scared? Because she loves him and was afraid she would lose him. Anger, from fear, from lack of love. See?
This is just a roundabout way of saying -- stop trying to DO things to justify your existence. Just learn how to be and all will be well. Remember -- You can have whatever it is you want. You are the mover-shaker-maker -- and you create your own world of experience -- so what world do you want to live in?
I have posted that little film about Permaculture and Greening the Desert in the past. This is my next step ( I mean I have lots of things I want to do but), this is what I want to put my energy towards. It is such an amazing and beautiful thing, and funny-enough, it actually combines all of my interests, all of my past studies: it is the perfect flowering of seeds I had planted long ago not knowing their variety. I want to help others re-learn what it means to be human. Part of this truth is becoming reconnected with the landbase and with their bodies and unplug them from a civilization that is crumbling. Not that civilization itself is a bad thing, but ours has been "sick" for a very very long time.
That is is my philosophizing for the morning; I am off to drink some nettle leaf tea.